George Carlin

We take, take, take until we can't take anymore. Maybe it's because our inner nature is not primarily one of giving, but of taking. Even these things we take that should balance our lives and give us rest do not. We make work out of them. We do them aggressively; always in control. Take.

P.P.S. By the way, if, by some chance, you folks do manage to straighten things out and make everything better, I still don't wish to be included.

Look at the self-help titles in the bookstore, and you'll get a few clues about our culture. They're all about aggression and acquisition. It wouldn't be at all surprising to see a book called How to Force your Will on Other People by Giving Them the Shaft and Fucking Them out of Their Money.

Sometimes on television they tell you a product is "good for headaches." I don't want something that's good for headaches. I want something that's bad for headaches. And good for me.

You know why I stopped eating processed foods? I began to picture the people who might be processing them.

Sometimes the same words mean opposite things. Sometimes the opposite is true. Shock absorbers are called shocks. Slow down and slow up are interchangeable.

It's a perfectly noble and respectable word. So let's look at this pussified, trendy bullshit phrase, Native Americans. First of all, they're not natives.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

in El Salvador, they declared a cease fire after ten years. Why didn't they think of that at the beginning?

You know where you never see a camcorder? At a funeral. Wouldn't that be fun? Especially if you didn't know any of the people there. Why not go to a stranger's funeral, and bring your camcorder? Have a little fun! Zoom in on the corpse's nose hairs. Then pull back, and pan over to the widow's tears. Get a tight shot of that. Do a montage of people wracked with grief. Then go home and put a laugh track on it! Smoke a joint and show it to your friends. That would be a lot of fun.